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Updated 9/14, drop one in your .sig file- Amuse your friends! Startle your enemies!

Sweetness and Light

"Sometimes I'm so sweet even I can't stand it."
                        - Julie Andrews

“Some say love is a bad bargain because you get no guarantees, but love needs 
no guarantees.  You know it’s love when you want to give joy and damn 
the consequences.”

“I think this has gone on quite long enough.  You all want to know what I 
believe in?  I’ll tell you… I believe in real butter on popcorn.  I believe in 
long walks in the rain… sad songs at midnight… boysenberry pie, 
total surrender to the communists… and long, warm, sloppy kisses.”
			- Opus

“Happy is the wooing
that’s not long in doing.”
			- Ben Franklin

“There’s someone for everyone, even if you need a knife and a pickaxe 
and goggles to find them.”
			- Harris, “L. A. Story”

“We are not always what we seem, and hardly ever what we dream.”
			- Schmendrick, “The Last Unicorn”

“Sex is a glorious alternative to love.  
No tears, except in joy; no sobs, except in passion.”
			- Jarret Lawrence

Good Lovin'

A woman's appetite is twice that of a man's; her sexual desire, four
times; her intelligence, eight times.
                        - Sanskrit proverb

Dancing is a vertical expression of a horizontal desire.

"Love is the answer, but while you are waiting for the answer
sex raises some pretty good questions."
                        - Woody Allen

"I've tried several varieties of sex. The conventional position makes me
claustrophobic and the others give me a stiff neck or lockjaw."
                        - Tallulah Bankhead

"Being a sex symbol has to do with an attitude, not looks. Most men think
its looks, most women know otherwise."
                        - Kathleen Turner

"If a thing is worth doing, it is worth doing slowly . . . very slowly."
                        - Gypsy Rose Lee

"Brevity is the soul of lingerie."
                        - Dorothy Parker

"You cannot receive a shock unless you have an electric affinity for that which shocks you."
                        - HD Thoreau

"The sensation of pleasure, taken too far,
can turn into pain, and the pain,
if offered under the right circumstances,
can be the greatest pleasure."
                        - Clive Barker

"I could ride you at a gallop until your legs buckled
 and your eyes rolled up. I've got muscles you've never even
 dreamed of. I could squeeze you until you popped like warm
 champagne and you begged me to hurt you just a little bit more."
                        - Faith, on Buffy: The Vampire Slayer

"The thrill for me is in  breaching strangeness. Once you've slept with
someone, there's nothing left to unveil except for the psyche stuff, 
and once you start lifting those veils, well — that's a relationship."
                        - Lisa Carver

"If there was anything I loved more than a big penis, it was a bigger penis."
                        - Little Richard

"She looked at other women as though she would inhale them."
                        - Ronald Firbank

Love Bites

"Love didn't fix anything.  It just complicated your life.  It meant you
had to pretend you weren't lonely, because there was somebody around all
the time and you couldn't hurt their feelings.  You had to pretend you
trusted them, too, even while they crept closer and closer to the truth
of your life and threatened to spill their own opinions and needs over
what ought to be private and protected.  Simple loneliness was scary, but
maybe it was easier.  Fluff didn't know anybody else who felt this way
about romance, that it was an experience that combined as much blackmail
and claustrophobia as it did lust and affection."
		        - Fluff, "Doc and Fluff" by Pat Califia

“How could I not love this man?  But it was the love of a ghost.
Arms that encircled but did not touch.”
			-“The Kitchen God’s Wife”

“By love, I assume you mean that illusion that is alleged to exist between 
men and women.  There is no such thing except in children’s tales, and in 
the overly romantic songs that are sung by minstrels who wish to please 
their masters, and the gullible women whom those masters desire to seduce.”

"Love is only the dirty trick played on us to achieve continuation of the species." 
                        - W. Somerset Maugham

"Have you even been in love? Horrible, isn't it? It makes you so vulnerable.
It opens your chest and it opens your heart and it means someone can get
inside you and mess you up. You build up all these defenses. You build up this
whole armor, for years, so nothing can hurt you, then one stupid person,
no different from any other stupid person, wanders into your stupid life...
You give them a piece of you. They don't ask for it. They do something dumb
one day like kiss you, or smile at you, and then your life isn't your own anymore.
Love takes hostages. It gets inside you. It eats you out and leaves you crying
in the darkness, so a simple phrase like "maybe we should just be friends" or
"how very perceptive" turns into a glass splinter working its way into your heart.
It hurts. Not just in the imagination. Not just in the mind. It's a soul-hurt,
a body-hurt, a real gets-inside-you-and-rips-you-apart pain. I hate love. " 
                        - Neil Gaiman

"Love is a snowmobile racing across the tundra. Suddenly it flips over, 
pinning you underneath. At night the ice weasels come."
                        - Neitzsche

"I wonder if the fucking you get is worth the fucking you get."
                        - Humphrey Bogart on marriage

I wish I had said that...

"I love cats because they are never guilty. Dogs are like recent converts
to Christianity, forever cringing and publicly accusing themselves while
secretly treasuring their vices. But cats are forever pagan, chiefly
interested in making themselves ever more comfortable and beautiful,
not necessarily in that order."
	                - Pat Califia

"Normal isn't something to aspire to, it's something to avoid"
                        - Jodie Foster

"I like nonsense, it wakes up the brain cells. Fantasy is a necessary
ingredient in living, it's a way of looking at life through the wrong end
of a telescope."
                        - Dr.Seuss

"Everyone probably thinks that I'm a raving nymphomaniac, that I have an
insatiable sexual appetite, when the truth is I'd rather read a book."
                        - Madonna

"Sensual is the thing that makes you feel you are alive, that the body
is there for a good reason, the senses acting together to give pleasure,
and it varies for everybody."
                        - Catnip

“A foolish consistency is the hobgoblin of little minds, adored by little 
statesmen and philosophers and divines.  With consistency a great soul 
simply has nothing to do.  He may as well concern himself with his 
shadow on the wall.”
			- Emerson

“No being is so important that he can usurp the rights of another.”
			- Cpt. Jean-Luc Picard

Do you know what the trouble with shyness is?  It clips the wings of ambition.

“Being an outcast, the restraints of society no longer applied to her.  
Alone, she was free to think what she wanted without fear of rebuke.”
			-“The Scarlet Letter”

Reason is valuable only when it performs against the wordless 
physical background of the universe.

“People will try to understand me and frame me in their words.  
They will seek truth.  
But truth always carries the ambiguity of the words used to express it.”
			-“God Emperor of Dune”

“Do you know the hallmark of the second-rater?  It’s resentment of another man’s achievements.”
			- Dr. Stadler, “Atlas Shrugged”

When you look into the abyss
the abyss also looks into you

"Though modest and small, a blossom has all the qualities of an explosion."
                        - Colette 

For I can see that
In the midst of death, life persists
In the midst of untruth, truth persists
In the midst of darkness, light persists
			- Gander

The more one withdraws, the more eagerly one is pursued.

"When will we realize that the fact that we can become accustomed to
anything, however disgusting at first, makes it necessary to examine
carefully everything we have become accustomed to?"
                        - George Bernard Shaw

"The only people for me are the mad ones, the ones who are mad to live,
mad to talk, mad to be saved...the ones who never yawn or say a 
common place thing, but burn, burn, burn, like fabulous yellow roman candles
exploding like spiders across the stars."
                        - Jack Kerouac

"All roles are dangerous. The world tends to trap you in the role you play
and it is always extremely hard to maintain a watchful, mocking distance
between oneself as one appears to be and oneself as one actually is."
                        - James Baldwin

"No temptation can ever be measured by the value of its object."
                        - Colette "The Earthly Paradise"

"Life shrinks or expands in proportion to one's courage."
                        - Anais Nin


"Some people are pragmatists, taking things as they come and making the best of the choices available. Some people are idealists, standing for principle and refusing to compromise. And some people just act on any whim that enters their heads. I pragmatically turn my whims into principles!" - Calvin "It's not true that life is one damn thing after another--it's the same damn thing over and over." - Edna St. Vincent Millay The secret of success is sincerity. Once you can fake that, you've got it made. somewhere between cleanliness and godliness lies compulsion - SNL "It is known that there infinite number of worlds, simply because there is an infinite amount of space for them to be in. However, not every one of them is inhabited. Therefore, there must be a finite number of inhabited worlds. Any finite number divided by infinity is as near to nothing as makes no odds, so the average population of the Universe can be said to be zero. From this it follows that the population of the whole Universe is also zero, and that any people you may meet from time to time are merely the products of a deranged imagination." - Douglas Adams "My best dish you'll never taste." - k.d. lang "I'm not conceited. Conceit is a fault and I have no faults." - David Lee Roth "When authorities warn you of the sinfulness of sex, there is an important lesson to be learned. Do not have sex with the authorities." - Matt Groenig “You go to pieces so fast people get hit by the shrapnel.” - Ford Prefect, “The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy” “If you don’t watch the violence, you can’t become desensitized to it.” - Bart Simpson “I’m not a nymphomaniac. I’m a compulsive liar.” - Allison, “The Breakfast Club” "Genius may have its limitations, but stupidity is not thus handicapped." - Elbert Hubbard "I'd admit I'm in denial, but I am, so I can't." - Matt Weinstein "Your reality, sir, is lies and balderdash and I'm delighted to say that I have no grasp of it whatsoever." - Baron Munchausen "I do not take drugs. I am drugs." - Salvador Dali "Prayer has no place in the public schools, just like facts have no place in organized religion." - Principal Skinner Si hoc legere scis numium eruditionis habes. "In fact, no gods anywhere play chess. They prefer simple, vicious games, where you Do Not Achieve Transcendence but Go Straight to Oblivion; a key to the understanding of all religion is that a god's idea of amusement is Snakes and Ladders with greased rungs." - Terry Pratchett "Please don't think me negligent or rude. I am both, in effect, of course, but please don't think me either." - Edna St. Vincent Millay


"It is only with the heart that one can see rightly; what is essential is
invisible to the eye."
                        - Antoine de Saint-Exupery, "The Little Prince"

“the deeper that sorrow carves into your being
the more joy you can contain”
			- Kahil Gibran

“Music sex and idea are the currents of connection”
			- Jim Morrison

“The tripod upon which Eternity swings is composed of flesh and thought 
and emotion.  If we deny the need for thought, we lose the powers of 
reflection; we cannot define what our senses report.  If we deny the flesh,
we unwheel the vehicle which bears us.  But if we deny emotion, we lose 
all touch with our internal universe.”

what you take into your hands you take into your heart

“Men prefer slavery, even death, to freedom of choice in the knowledge 
of good and evil.”
			- Dostoevsky

"[People], in general, judge more by their eyes than by their hands 
because seeing is given to everyone, touching to few.  Everyone sees
how you appear, few touch what you are."
                        - Machiavelli

"If ever when faith had fallen asleep,
I heard a voice, "Believe no more,"
And heard an ever-breaking shore
That tumbled in the godless deep,
A warmth within the breast would melt
The freezing reason's colder part,
And like someone in wrath the heart
Stood up and answered, "I have felt.""
                        - Bruno 12/29/97

"The glory of friendship is not the outstretched hand, nor the kindly
smile, nor the joy of companionship; it is the spiritual inspiration that
comes to one when he discovers that someone else believes in him and is
willing to trust him with his friendship."
                        - Ralph Waldo Emerson

We don't see things as they are, we see them as we are.
                        - Anais Nin


“Men.  They can stay kids forever, and they end up heroes--- or monsters.  
Either way they win.  Women have to grow up.  If they stay children they 
become victims.”
			-“The Krays”

“It was a box done in the shape of an optical illusion, with three projections 
that weren’t actually there when traced back to their sources; one was really 
the space between the other two.  Variations on the figure were common; 
many people were intrigued by it.  She thought the original was like a 
tuning fork, but it didn’t matter.  The point was, this was her.  She looked 
just exactly like a girl, but when the lines were traced, there was nothing; 
she was a girl-shaped space between others, and if the others went away, 
she would cease to appear to exist.”
			-“Virtual Mode”

“When you grow up, your heart dies.”
			- Allison, “The Breakfast Club”

Another day, another dollar… another irreplaceable chunk out of a finite 
and rapidly passing lifetime.

“Pain ennobles both the giver and the receiver.”

"I always seem to be looking at life from the wrong side of the window."
                        - Sylvia Plath

Heard a carol, mournful, holy,
Chanted loudly, chanted lowly,
Till her blood was frozen slowly,
And her eyes were darkened wholly
   Turned to towered Camelot.
For ere she reached upon the tide
The first house by the waterside,
Singing in her song she died,
   The Lady of Shalott.         
                        - Tennyson

"I am sick of the disparity between things as they are and as they should be.
I'm tired.  I'm tired of the truth and I'm tired of lying about the truth."
                        - Edward Albee  "The Death of Bessie Smith

From a not-to-distant future...

:::::: MST3K QUOTES::::::

*Always* get a contract when working with a dark, omnipotent power.

"Any moment now, unspeakable horror!  Trust me!"
                         - Tom Servo

Can I show you something in a size *me*?


Do not be afraid, I do not hurt innocent people.  I have assistants for

Due to an error, there are still a few of you left alive.  We sincerely
apologize for any inconvenience this may have caused you.   

Existential void where prohibited.

Free trial sample!  Try *me* for a week!

If I knew what was going on I'd really be indignant.

If my deepest, darkest despair had choreography -- *this* would be it.

If you're looking for plausibility, you won't find it here.

"I'm a *scientist*!  I don't think -- I observe!" 
                          - Dr.Forrester

I see you've decided to go psycho.  Godspeed.

"It seems as though my doom is imminent.  So -- How are you?" 
                          - Crow

It's area-logical, auto-erotical,
toobular, boob-ular joy!
An expose-ular regional, batch-ular pouch-ular
fun for girl and boy!

"To me, that leash screams 'unhealthy relationship'." 
                          - Crow

"Walk quietly among other men, but know their power for they are your
enemies.  Quietly crush them as you work diligently through the night.
Pay attention to the man behind the curtain, for he is your ally.  Drink
deeply and lustfully from the foamy draught of evil... Uh, do it to the
other guy before he does it to you, and be bad to the bone.  Won't you?"
                          - Dr. Forrester.

You know, sometimes I too am able to peer over the ledge of sanity and
gaze on the boundless beauty of psychosis and -- boy, is it dark!